07 9 / 2011
was randomly lying on my bed looking at the ceiling and i got a flashback to when i was 13, it was year 8 and i was on my bedroom floor. my wrists were bleeding and i was drowsy from sniffing tipex and overdosing on painkillers. that was a really low point for me. people thought i got better after that. i guess in some ways i did, i became better at pretending. year 9, i could have been an actress, i was back to my ‘old self’ i was lairy and bubbly, i remember being in p.e. and being the basketball captain, being agressive and always winning the game. i was going out with friends at night and flirting with boys, i had stopped flirting with the one boy i loved, but deep down i was dying. i had an addiction to painkillers, slit to make me calm, smoked and lost weight. i remember i struggled to get out of bed in the morning and put on a happy face. i cant remember when that stopped. i cant remember when it started again :/
29 8 / 2011
i havent written in a while because maybe im just beginning to realise you’ll never read any of this. i can kid myself as much as i want but your never going to be that dad who gets to a certain point, and cannot take it anymore- he has to find his child. my step dad has just found his daughter, shes being harsh on him atm but atleast he tried, he sent her birthday and christmas cards. you obviously never bothered with that because you’ve always pretended that im not there. from when i was born and you demanded a dna test to last year, telling my brother i was a liar. i guess im just always going to have that missing piece. its not fair though, to never know your dad, to love someone you dont even know, to never know yourself fully because there is a part forever missing. there were times i really needed you. i still really need you, but your never going to come are you. its so hard. having a mother who is close to her youngest daughter and a stepdad who is close to his son. i just feel like i dont belong. part of me wants to give up on you, to stop looking at the moon everynight knowing theres a chance you could be looking at the same thing, to stop daydreaming about the day you hold me in your arms. but giving up would be admitting that im alone and dont even have you as hope. but i feel so weak i want to. your never coming. so maybe its time i grew up and let go.
21 7 / 2011
i dont want to do this anymore Dad. im crying as i type this, i cant even self harm atm because we’re going away next week and i’ll have to wear a bikini and it means i cant slash my wrists, tummy or legs. ive turned to punching the walls, my knuckles are bruised but foundation gets rid of it- but it isnt just helping. you leave a dark spot in my heart everyday of my life. i really need you.
18 7 / 2011
im so scared of things not working out. im not gonna lie i’ve had quite shitty years and most people get great happiness when their older but im scared i was designed to just have rejection instead of acceptance and be heartbroken instead of loved. im scared of being alone, im scared of myself, i nearly threw myself of a bridge the other day, i was so close, there was a voice inside telling me that i should. im scared of being told im infertile- most people dream of being rich, having their dream job, well mine is to be a mother. i know that sounds gay but i want it so bad- its the only thought that helps me through bad times, “dont worry, one day you’ll have beautiful children to bring light into your life” i mean it if im told im infertile- well thats the icing on the cake and not much point of me being here tbh. i wish you were here dad, i really need you, when i was about to jump of the bridge i just shouted at the sky “dad, where are you! i need you, i need you” because i do. i got such dodgy looks but maybe if i scream it loud enough you’ll hear my whisper.
04 7 / 2011
i daydream constantly about meeting you. seeing you in the flesh, looking into your eyes and seeing if i look like you. hearing your voice. just imagine how amazing it would be.
04 7 / 2011
they say that your life can never be fully perfect and when one bit is good, another is bad. i have that relationships, it seems whenever im getting on with my mum, im not getting on with my boyfriend, and the other way round. and that helps because although they’re both my favourite people in the whole world, i have one of them still. atm, my mum seems to be in a i hate chloe mood atm. and my boyfriend? its like i dont exist to him, he’s barely speaking to me and when i do speak to him i end up saying something wrong and he has a go at me. these are the times i wish you were in my life. would we get on? do we like the same things? would we laugh together?
02 7 / 2011
sometimes i feel numb, i dont feel with it. now is one of them times. its like im watching myself, watching my life fuck up more and more. but being numb is better than being in the bubble, because then i feel the pain. id much rather just watch, i get called a cold hearted bitch because im numb, i went so numb a few months ago i ended up in hospital, but like i said, id rather be numb than feeling the pain thats taking place.
30 6 / 2011
i can’t remember the last time i had a happy dream. i dream of you but your a blur, and it’s over before it’s started.
29 6 / 2011
sometimes i feel numb. other times the pain makes me want to scream, although i know noone will hear me. i dont know what to turn to anymore. alcohol makes the pain worse, smoking doesnt calm me, painkillers dont work, sleeping gives me false dreams and slitting makes me feel guilty. i dont know what to do.