18 7 / 2011
dear dad.
im so scared of things not working out. im not gonna lie i’ve had quite shitty years and most people get great happiness when their older but im scared i was designed to just have rejection instead of acceptance and be heartbroken instead of loved. im scared of being alone, im scared of myself, i nearly threw myself of a bridge the other day, i was so close, there was a voice inside telling me that i should. im scared of being told im infertile- most people dream of being rich, having their dream job, well mine is to be a mother. i know that sounds gay but i want it so bad- its the only thought that helps me through bad times, “dont worry, one day you’ll have beautiful children to bring light into your life” i mean it if im told im infertile- well thats the icing on the cake and not much point of me being here tbh. i wish you were here dad, i really need you, when i was about to jump of the bridge i just shouted at the sky “dad, where are you! i need you, i need you” because i do. i got such dodgy looks but maybe if i scream it loud enough you’ll hear my whisper.
11 7 / 2011
dear dad.
argh im so frustrated ffs! i have little confidence and today i somehow found some courage and found something i really want to do and im interested in, but i forgot about the lack of support i get from people and when i showed my mum she was barely interested and basically shrugged it off. normally this is where i start crying and vow never to do something i want again because people make me feel so shit about it, im trying to stay strong and to just go for it but im feeling tears in my eyes already.
05 7 / 2011
dear dad.
i cant stop crying, please help me. before whatever happened i had him, and now even his not there. im not joking i feel suicidal. i feel sick and my heart hurts. his so far away, his so different, i dont want to ask him about it because he gets mad and i know from past experience if i do talk to him about it, he’ll dump me because “its for my own good” and then i really will end my life. i just want him back. i want him just to turn up and tell me he loves me before giving me a massive hug. atm i just want to die, i want him back.
04 7 / 2011
dear dad.
these days i have baths as often as i can. i like to go under the water, shut my eyes and forget the world, i like feeling more lightheaded the longer i stay under, and i only come up when im on the brink of passing out, coughing and choking but it makes me feel relaxed. its like my new slitting, but it leaves no scars. maybe one day i’ll have the guts to keep doing it until i pass out. maybe.
04 7 / 2011
dear dad.
they say that your life can never be fully perfect and when one bit is good, another is bad. i have that relationships, it seems whenever im getting on with my mum, im not getting on with my boyfriend, and the other way round. and that helps because although they’re both my favourite people in the whole world, i have one of them still. atm, my mum seems to be in a i hate chloe mood and is rude to me. my boyfriend? its like i dont exist to him, he’s barely speaking to me and when i do speak to him i end up saying something wrong and he has a go at me. this time i have noone to catch me when i fall and i just want to end it all. this has been going on for longer than i can take, i dont want to be here anymore. im so close to walking out the door forever or just ending it all. that thoughts very appealing atm.
02 7 / 2011
dear dad.
sometimes i feel numb, i dont feel with it. now is one of them times. its like im watching myself, watching my life fuck up more and more. but being numb is better than being in the bubble, because then i feel the pain. id much rather just watch, i get called a cold hearted bitch because im numb, i went so numb a few months ago i ended up in hospital, but like i said, id rather be numb than feeling the pain thats taking place.
02 7 / 2011
dear dad.
im alot weaker than i thought. this is depressing but theres a song i havent been able to listen to for three years, the last time i listened to it i had split up with the boy i loved, and i had been lying on my bedroom floor for hours, it had hurt me even more to realise that no-one had noticed i wasnt there. my head felt funny because of the painkillers, and there was blood dripping from my wrists. my mental state isnt so great atm either so i thought id be able to handle it, i got 30 seconds in, and literally chucked my laptop and earphones away, i was shaking, i just cant do it. how pathetic. i hope i’ll be able to one day, just sit there and listen to it without having a panic attack, just maybe.
29 6 / 2011
dear dad.
sometimes i feel numb. other times the pain makes me want to scream, although i know noone will hear me. i dont know what to turn to anymore. alcohol makes the pain worse, smoking doesnt calm me, painkillers dont work, sleeping gives me faalse dreams and slitting makes me feel guilty. i dont know what to do.
