06 4 / 2012
i dont even know why im STILL calling you that. how can i call a stranger ‘dad’? but then again, how can i justify writing to a blog i know you’re never going to read. anyways. its been 3 months since i got my courage tattoo, but like i said, im not feeling very brave. its bad but im craving blades. thats so wrong, but in my head it feels like a haven. i just want to feel the sharpness on my skin, and then feel the pressure before seeing blood gush out, and after feeling drowsy and admiring my new cuts. i get afraid when i see my scars fading, i feel alone, but then sometimes when i go out or im talking to someone i can feel them staring and when i look in their eyes, the awkwardly look away. it makes me feel so ugly. ive been good for aslong as ive had my tattoo, in some ways i guess its an achievement- but if it is, why dont i feel good? i had a panic attack the other week at work. this time i didnt get rushed to hospital but im just on edge all the time. last week a customer shouted abuse at me, my boss shouted at me, and i walked out crying my eyes out. i just. i cant seem to stable myself recently. its like by not letting blood out, im not letting my emotions out, meaning im not getting it all out and then putting a big smile on for everyone else. oh i dunno. i wish the version of you i made up was real. im one of them girls with ‘daddy issues’. and i always will be.
24 1 / 2012
i dont know why im calling you that. i found out everything, everything you did to mum, personally i think your a cunt, and i now feel theres no hope for us. but at the same time, ive made a version of you up in my head now, this version wants to know me, looks at the moon at night and loves me. its my birthday soon. i hate birthdays. i hate birthdays so fucking much. every time i end up going to bed in tears, because of broken hope. i know its stupid but i always hope i’ll get a card. but i know deep down i wont. i hate birthdays so much and im only doing something so my college friends continue to think im ‘normal’ im really screwed up at the moment dad. i stormed out of college last week because of my temper, i got signed off work for 2 weeks, i nearly lost my boyfriend today- when i say that i mean i literally had to ring him and beg him not to do it. because when he does, i go. i mean it,i cant deal with anymore heartache. i got my ‘courage’ tattoo last week, to help me, to show how much ive been through- abuse, bullying, rejection and everything else but im not feeling so brave now. im not living, i feel like a shadow. people like me aslong as my mouths shut. im just quiet old me, and deep down i dont remember always being like this. once i was so bubbly, so much confidence, happy. now im just damaged beyond repair. i just. i just dont know what to do.
16 1 / 2012
haven’t written in a while. so much happened. i really needed you, i still do. next week its my birthday, i wonder if you even know that? i hate birthdays. i know i wont get a call, a letter but still i hope, and i dont understand why. i just end up going to bed crying. it never gets easier.
21 9 / 2011
It’s hard to just forget about someone that meant something to you before. Sure, they’re gone now, but that doesn’t quite mean they’re completely out of your life. They once made such a great impact to you. They once made you feel special. They once loved you… It’s sort of hard to let all of your emotions go of one person because you’ve shared so many memories in the past. Like people would say, relationships may not last, but memories do.
- the pain seems to stay with me too.
13 9 / 2011
today i saw friends i havent seen in a while and some tried bullshitting me, saying that they were going to get in contact with me tonight. no they werent. they’re not bothering anymore so neither am i, why should i have to chase everyone all the time? doesnt mean im not hurting though. i am. it hurts so much, earlier i was sitting on my bed looking at my photowall with all these friends that have all moved on and i didnt even think about it but the next minute i had blood gushing out of a fresh slit. it stunned me because for once i hadnt thought about it and hadnt felt any pain. id never gone that deep before, it stained the clothes i was wearing, it left my hands and leg stained and it just kept bleeding. its still bleeding now. but i didnt feel a thing. maybe theres only so much pain a person can take.
11 9 / 2011
I’m so alone. I was alone before but that was just inside. Now I’m fully alone and the comfort of death seems more appealing than ever. I saw my boyfriend this weekend and he spoke about how our friends had invited him out to parties and concerts and everything and I just sat there thinking, wow, my invite must have got lost huh? Hurts more that a few weeks ago they said they didn’t like my boyfriend. So once again I’m the person they bitch to, and then they leave me for the other person. History really does repeat itself. Then there’s the fact one best friend has a gf now and has no time for me whatsoever and the other one has moved away. Im going to bed crying once again. Atleast I know if I ever die, people will move on quickly and I will just be a distant memory, that hurts almost as much as knowing you wouldn’t feel a thing.
07 9 / 2011
was randomly lying on my bed looking at the ceiling and i got a flashback to when i was 13, it was year 8 and i was on my bedroom floor. my wrists were bleeding and i was drowsy from sniffing tipex and overdosing on painkillers. that was a really low point for me. people thought i got better after that. i guess in some ways i did, i became better at pretending. year 9, i could have been an actress, i was back to my ‘old self’ i was lairy and bubbly, i remember being in p.e. and being the basketball captain, being agressive and always winning the game. i was going out with friends at night and flirting with boys, i had stopped flirting with the one boy i loved, but deep down i was dying. i had an addiction to painkillers, slit to make me calm, smoked and lost weight. i remember i struggled to get out of bed in the morning and put on a happy face. i cant remember when that stopped. i cant remember when it started again :/
29 8 / 2011
i havent written in a while because maybe im just beginning to realise you’ll never read any of this. i can kid myself as much as i want but your never going to be that dad who gets to a certain point, and cannot take it anymore- he has to find his child. my step dad has just found his daughter, shes being harsh on him atm but atleast he tried, he sent her birthday and christmas cards. you obviously never bothered with that because you’ve always pretended that im not there. from when i was born and you demanded a dna test to last year, telling my brother i was a liar. i guess im just always going to have that missing piece. its not fair though, to never know your dad, to love someone you dont even know, to never know yourself fully because there is a part forever missing. there were times i really needed you. i still really need you, but your never going to come are you. its so hard. having a mother who is close to her youngest daughter and a stepdad who is close to his son. i just feel like i dont belong. i dont belong anywhere, or with anyone. my boyfriend is gone now too. the one guy i loved. ive lost him again- i know i have, his gone away and is fucking every girl in sight. so once again im alone. part of me wants to give up on you, to stop looking at the moon everynight knowing theres a chance you could be looking at the same thing, to stop daydreaming about the day you hold me in your arms. but giving up would be admitting that im alone and dont even have you as hope. but i feel so weak i want to. your never coming. so maybe its time i grew up and let go.
21 7 / 2011
i am forever alone. friends use me for emotional support and then leave me when i need them, you reject me everytime, my parents isolate me in sneaky ways. like mum constantly finds time to go out with my sister, and she finds the time everyday to sit in her room for atleast half an hour to talk to her. me? if i talk to her longer for five minutes she gets mad. they deliberately go out or do something when i go out, they do nothing when im at home. i dont want to do this anymore Dad. im crying as i type this, i cant even self harm atm because we’re going away next week and i’ll have to wear a bikini and it means i cant slash my wrists, tummy or legs. ive turned to punching the walls, my knuckles are bruised but foundation gets rid of it- but it isnt just helping. i would love to die right now to see peoples faces to see that for once ive left them behind. im going to take a handful of painkillers and hopefully knock myself out. i really need a hero.