05 1 / 2014
On Friday 3rd January, it was officially a YEAR since I have self-harmed- a year!!! This is the longest time since I started doing it everyday 5 years ago. Feeling a little positive right now. :)
I’m not ashamed of my scars, because at one point I tried to commit suicide, so surely the scars prove bravery. And they are a part of who I am today I guess.
29 12 / 2013
p.s. on the 3rd January 2014, i would have gone a year without self harming. this is the longest since i started in 2008, 6 years ago. i wish you could be proud of me.
29 12 / 2013
i did it. i finally did it. yesterday i met you for the first time in my life. how strange, meeting your father for the first time at the age of 18. it’s wrong, you should have been there for me, been there when i was born, when i took my first steps, should have been one of my first words. and yet my first words to you were ‘tell Jamie he did well, oh and mum said thanks for the child support’. your face went blank and you just looked at me. i had to walk away and disappear because my heart broke. because for a split second we were just looking into each other’s eyes, and there was no rush of love from you, when all i wanted was a happy ending. the smile you had used a couple of seconds before when you had thought i was just a friend of your sons was completely gone. the card i had given you with my number on it, was just held in your hands, and probably went straight in the bin. i had downed cans of cider and vodka in order to be brave enough and approach you, i got my boyfriend, friend and cousin to distract your partner because i wanted just 10 seconds alone with the man responsible for my very being, the reason i breathe, the reason why i’m on this world. and now the mere 10 seconds are just on replay. when i walked away my heart just completely shattered into a million pieces. when i stepped outside and was hit by the cold air, i couldn’t help it. i felt the tears streaming down my cheeks and i walked away alone. i prayed i’d hear the door open and you rush out. but you didn’t. i got to the car and leant on it, crying my heart out, time stopped and i thought the pain would kill me, it hurt so much its indescribable. all i wanted was a chance, to know the piece that has always been missing. during the time i was waiting at the car for my friends, a car left the hall and drove past and for a split second my heart thought it would be you. it wasn’t. i wanted to go back and scream at you, to notice me. your daughter. but i didn’t. and now after a sleepless night, i feel completely heartbroken. what if that’s the only time i ever get with you? i keep checking my phone, praying for a phone call that’s never going to come. i keep hearing cars outside and hoping its you, even though i know that your tucked up in your warm house, with your son, daughter and wife. you don’t need me. but i do need you. i pray that call will come, even though a part of me knows its false hope. i will treasure the smile you gave me when you thought i was a nobody for the rest of my life.
06 4 / 2012
i dont even know why im STILL calling you that. how can i call a stranger ‘dad’? but then again, how can i justify writing to a blog i know you’re never going to read. anyways. its been 3 months since i got my courage tattoo, but like i said, im not feeling very brave. its bad but im craving blades. thats so wrong, but in my head it feels like a haven. i just want to feel the sharpness on my skin, and then feel the pressure before seeing blood gush out, and after feeling drowsy and admiring my new cuts. i get afraid when i see my scars fading, i feel alone, but then sometimes when i go out or im talking to someone i can feel them staring and when i look in their eyes, the awkwardly look away. it makes me feel so ugly. ive been good for aslong as ive had my tattoo, in some ways i guess its an achievement- but if it is, why dont i feel good? i had a panic attack the other week at work. this time i didnt get rushed to hospital but im just on edge all the time. last week a customer shouted abuse at me, my boss shouted at me, and i walked out crying my eyes out. i just. i cant seem to stable myself recently. its like by not letting blood out, im not letting my emotions out, meaning im not getting it all out and then putting a big smile on for everyone else. oh i dunno. i wish the version of you i made up was real. im one of them girls with ‘daddy issues’. and i always will be.
24 1 / 2012
i dont know why im calling you that. i found out everything, everything you did to mum, personally i think your a bit of a dick, and i now feel theres no hope for us. but at the same time, ive made a version of you up in my head now, this version wants to know me, looks at the moon at night and loves me. its my birthday soon. i hate birthdays. i hate birthdays so fucking much. every time i end up going to bed in tears, because of broken hope. i know its stupid but i always hope i’ll get a card. but i know deep down i wont. i hate birthdays so much and im only doing something so my college friends continue to think im ‘normal’ im really screwed up at the moment dad. i stormed out of college last week because of my temper, i got signed off work for 2 weeks, i nearly lost my boyfriend today- when i say that i mean i literally had to ring him and beg him not to do it. because when he does, i go. i mean it,i cant deal with anymore heartache. i got my ‘courage’ tattoo last week, to help me, to show how much ive been through- abuse, bullying, rejection and everything else but im not feeling so brave now. im not living, i feel like a shadow. people like me aslong as my mouths shut. im just quiet old me, and deep down i dont remember always being like this. once i was so bubbly, so much confidence, happy. now im just damaged beyond repair. i just. i just dont know what to do.
16 1 / 2012
haven’t written in a while. so much happened. i really needed you, i still do. next week its my birthday, i wonder if you even know that? i hate birthdays. i know i wont get a call, a letter but still i hope, and i dont understand why. i just end up going to bed crying. it never gets easier.
21 9 / 2011
It’s hard to just forget about someone that meant something to you before. Sure, they’re gone now, but that doesn’t quite mean they’re completely out of your life. They once made such a great impact to you. They once made you feel special. They once loved you… It’s sort of hard to let all of your emotions go of one person because you’ve shared so many memories in the past. Like people would say, relationships may not last, but memories do.
- the pain seems to stay with me too.
13 9 / 2011
today i saw friends i havent seen in a while and some tried bullshitting me, saying that they were going to get in contact with me tonight. no they werent. they’re not bothering anymore so neither am i, why should i have to chase everyone all the time? doesnt mean im not hurting though. i am. it hurts so much, earlier i was sitting on my bed looking at my photowall with all these friends that have all moved on and i didnt even think about it but the next minute i had blood gushing out of a fresh slit. it stunned me because for once i hadnt thought about it and hadnt felt any pain. id never gone that deep before, it stained the clothes i was wearing, it left my hands and leg stained and it just kept bleeding. its still bleeding now. but i didnt feel a thing. maybe theres only so much pain a person can take.
11 9 / 2011
I’m so alone. I was alone before but that was just inside. Now I’m fully alone and the comfort of death seems more appealing than ever. I saw my boyfriend this weekend and he spoke about how our friends had invited him out to parties and concerts and everything and I just sat there thinking, wow, my invite must have got lost huh? Hurts more that a few weeks ago they said they didn’t like my boyfriend. So once again I’m the person they bitch to, and then they leave me for the other person. History really does repeat itself. Then there’s the fact one best friend has a gf now and has no time for me whatsoever and the other one has moved away. Im going to bed crying once again. Atleast I know if I ever die, people will move on quickly and I will just be a distant memory, that hurts almost as much as knowing you wouldn’t feel a thing.